I swear she didn't look like that last week.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
