I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
