Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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