OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
