Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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