Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
