Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
