Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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