Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
