we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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