the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Naked Twister starts at high noon
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
