I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
