Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
