Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
