its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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