So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
