I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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