I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
