the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
