I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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