why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
