if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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