I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
