Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
