Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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