Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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