if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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