so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
