I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
