did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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