Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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