life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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