Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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