Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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