he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
