I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
