after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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