we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
