I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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