i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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