just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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