i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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