Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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