You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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