just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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