I have demons in me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
