mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
