Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
