my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
