I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
