Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
