True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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