1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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