I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
