i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
