I met the friendliest cop last night
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize