After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize