I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
