i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
