I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
