I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
