My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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