I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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